Here’s a situation that is often experienced with those who struggle with perfectionism. See if you can see yourself in this scenario.
A mistake is made. The perfectionist says to themself, “I made a mistake I shouldn’t have made. I need to do better. I must be a failure!” Then a well-meaning friend or family member steps in with a, “Hey, we all make mistakes… don’t be too hard on yourself.”
Can you guess what happens in the mind of the perfectionist now? “I know they’re right. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Why am I not better at not being hard on myself? Great… Here’s another thing I’m not doing as well as I could be.”
For the struggling perfectionist, this situation can play out over and over again. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and in extreme cases it can become paralyzing.
The good news is, there are many ways you can learn to embrace growth and practice greater self-compassion. Let’s take a look at some of the reasons for perfectionism, how to give yourself some grace, and some tools for growth.
Why perfectionism causes pain.
Perfectionism is the belief that perfection can and should be achieved. This is often a subconscious belief. You may know that logically, perfection can never be reached and that everyone makes mistakes. But your internal voice insists that you strive for perfection anyway.
When a perfectionist feels that they or others are falling short, it can be incredibly painful. It is easy for perfectionists to beat themselves up, feel dissatisfied with who they are, or feel upset that others are not living up to their standards.
Breaking the cycle of perfectionism and frustration.
As with many things in life, finding a balance is key when it comes to these tendencies. Seeing ways to improve the world around you and desiring to pursue perfection in yourself and others are wonderful qualities. However, when those qualities are left unchecked, perfectionism and frustration can take over.
Is your desire to improve yourself and the world around you causing you to feel anger or frustration? It might be time to consider how you might bring more balance to your life in this area. But how?
There are many ways to work towards a more balanced view of yourself and the world around you. Here are just a few places to start:
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Recognize when your expectations are unattainable
Sometimes it can be helpful to imagine you are talking to a friend instead of to yourself. This might help you have a more compassionate perspective of the situation you are in. Would you tell a friend who is struggling that they should “do better” or berate them for making mistakes? Or would you offer kindness and sympathy?
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Speak about your feelings to a life coach or therapist
An outside perspective can help you temper your inner critic with a more objective voice. Constantly criticizing yourself can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help and ask for advice or tools as you learn to be kind to yourself.
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Celebrate the small wins – progress over perfection
When you feel shame about making mistakes or not doing everything perfectly, it can be difficult to recognize the progress you are making. Practice celebrating your small victories. Remember to give yourself credit for the steps you are taking. You might never reach perfection, but you can learn to celebrate your progress and growth along the way.
Positive self talk and affirmations for perfectionism.
Another powerful way to combat the negative effects of perfectionism is to practice positive self-talk. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones is something you can learn to do over time.
Most people have a tendency to speak critically to themselves on occasion. Negative self-talk might seem harmless to you if you aren’t speaking the thoughts out loud. In fact, you might not even always realize you’re doing it. Even so, frequent negative thoughts have a very real and harmful impact on your self-image and ability to grow.
Take some time to consider your thoughts about yourself as you go about your day. Are you automatically thinking things about yourself that bring feelings of shame?
Examples of negative thought patterns:
- I’ll never get it right.
- This isn’t good.
- I wish I were better.
- I’m such a failure.
While it’s impossible to banish negative thoughts entirely, research shows that the effects of negative self-talk can be diminished – or even outweighed – by the effects of positive thoughts. It might seem a bit unnatural at first to counter your negative thoughts with positive ones. But with time and practice, positive thoughts can become as automatic as negative ones.
One effective way to begin to counter your negative thoughts with positive ones is by first noticing what kind of negative self-talk is most present in your life. Then, write down some opposite, positive thoughts and display them where you can see them often.
Whenever you notice negative thoughts, remind yourself of these positive thoughts. Try to say them out loud, even if you feel like you don’t mean them yet! Over time, the effects of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones will start to become apparent.
Positive affirmations to counter negative thoughts:
- I am proud of myself.
- I am allowed to make mistakes.
- I value progress and growth over perfection.
- I have friends and family who love me.
- I have many good qualities.
- No one is perfect, and that’s okay.
- I do my best, and that is enough.
Can life coaching help with perfectionism?
Yes! unlearning perfectionism and learning to give yourself grace will be work. While no one can do this work for you, you certainly do not have to do it alone. Recognizing and acknowledging that you struggle with perfectionism and asking for help is a big first step… especially for a perfectionist!
Life coaching can provide inspiration and ideas that will help you begin to untangle self-critical thoughts and move towards more positive thought patterns. It can also help you engage those around you with more compassion and understanding as you learn to treat yourself a little more kindly. The Enneagram is a great tool that can help you overcome perfectionism – set up a free consultation with me here.
